24 Year Old Spinster

I just took my dog for a walk in the park by my house. It was a pleasant evening out; a mild breeze, the shining moon and surprisingly not humid. I should have known the second I stepped into such a night what would be waiting for me once I reached the park and the pond, but in my fatigued state, I thought of nothing but the walk ahead of us and my delicious X-treme Cheddar Goldfish waiting to be devoured upon my return. However, as soon as I crossed the street into the park, I quickly realized what the nice weather had brought: couples.
Is there anything worse than the cliche of couples cuddling, or necking (yes I just used the term necking, fuck off) or holding hands on a bench in the moonlight? Nearly every bench in the park-of which there are many- was occupied with couples invading one another's personal space and making every poor passerby (mainly me) feel like a total creepster for walking by their inappropriate public displays of affection in the dark.
I get that it's a nice night out and people want to be outside but who wants to camp out and have romantic solitude while some other douchebags are doing the same thing ten feet away? Perhaps they're just so fucking in love that they exist in their own little world of naked Cupid baby monsters and kittens and condoms that don't smell like rubber and malted shakes with one shared straw, and because of that, they simply don't notice the other beings in the vicinity. LIKE ME.
This may sound like the rant of an old single woman, jaded by men, pierced daily by the shards of a rusty broken heart but it's not so fuck you. This is about the fact that I want to be able to walk my awesome dog in the park across the street from my house in my ratty sneakers and men's boxer briefs that I wear as shorts and no bra, and not have to walk by a thousand assholes ending their dates with an intimate, moonlight stroll, smiling and laughing and kissing and otherwise being cliches. I don't need to be reminded as I come home to a $6 bottle of Pinot Grigio, the aforementioned Goldfish and my cat that all those people are just right across the street, mooning around, making kissy faces, and holding hands. I just want to be content Facebooking stalking my ex and his current girlfriend, finishing off my bag of overprocessed cheddar by product snacks, and going to bed alone at 11. I hope everyone out there steps in dog shit.

And no, I'm not bitter.

Fuck You Chex Mix

"Mix and Mingle with us on Facebook-we're Chex-Mix". This was the advertisement on the side of my Facebook profile when I logged in tonight. Mix and mingle? Why the fuck is Chex Mix trying to get me to socialize with them? And furthermore, why does their ad sound like a pathetic tag line for a 1970's singles mixer? If I go to "mix and mingle" with them am I going to be doing so with meek, mousy women in their thirties with support bras and lipstick on their teeth and even older men with flaky dandruff despite the fact that they're balding, in white sneakers and stained brown pants?
I simply do not understand why a snack food product feels the need to not only harass me on my social networking site, but to do so with such a transparent marketing ploy. What asshole is really going to say "Oh boy! I like Chex Mix, clicking this link will surely enhance my enjoyment of this deliciously salty, crunchy snack". If you like Chex Mix you buy it at the store. If you don't like Chex Mix you don't buy it. Some dumbass ad on your Facebook is unlikely to change either of these facts. However, if you've never had Chex Mix then you've led a sheltered and hollow life and you're probably the type of person who would need to "mix and mingle" on a Chex Mix ad site. And if this is indeed the case then you should probably just go ahead and kill yourself because no level of snack satisfaction is going to change the suckfest that is your life.

Blog Rant (Literally)

Today I signed up with Blogger. I chose Blogger because I happened to be reading a friend's blog (boring) and I decided that if so many assholes out there have blogs that people follow, then I should have one too because I am infinitely better than them. Also, I am lazy and all I had to do was click the icon to set up an account. Since I already have a Gmail account, this should have been a simple and easy process. Instead, like every other damn thing on the Internet, it required numerous steps and numerous repeats of said steps to get to the finalization process. Then Blogger felt the need to comment on the strength of my password (too short) as if someone possessing the mental capacity to hack a website or steal an identity is really going to waste their time and skill hacking into my humble (albeit increasingly relevant) blog. Blogger required me to revamp my password three different times before letting me proceed only to then inform me that my Gmail account did, in fact, already exist. No shit Blogger, that was one of the only reasons that I chose your shitty site because it was supposed to make this entire painful process that much easier. Thanks alot.

Blogs are dumb.

Introduction

Today someone told me that I am quite embittered for the young age of 24. This comment was spurred by the fact that my usual dripping sarcasm had turned into more of a flashflood throughout the day, as I felt the need to express my distaste for every other random thing I happened to think of. However, I do not think that this makes me bitter. I simply feel as though it means that all of my opinions are always right and anything that happens to contradict said opinions, are wrong. Is it my fault that many things tend to contradict my astute tastes? Not at all. Not everything can reach my heightened and refined expectations although the point of this blog is to weed out what doesn't and/or improve it to the point of my mighty approval.
SO ANYWAY, I decided to start this blog so that not only could I enlighten my soon to be many readers, but also to serve my own ego driven need for attention. Since everyone else with an ill perceived grasp of the English language and internet access has decided to do it, I thought that it was time I did as well. So here it is, my long awaited forum for rants, unfortunately in the form of the detested blog, but a necessity nonetheless, despite the vehicle, for society and mankind as a whole.